#metoo

**I can only speak from a woman's perspective, although I know abuse does happen to both men & women. since this blog is about my life, I will be speaking from my experiences. some of this material could be triggering, so please proceed with caution. it will NOT offend me if you are unable to read this.**

as a woman, you deal with it on a daily basis. most are subtle, others blatantly obvious.

you go out with friends, and you can't dance without being accosted by some drunk guy who thinks "you're just so hot and I can't help myself" and is rubbing his hands all over your body, an unwanted guest in your home. for some, it's a hell of a lot worse than that. abuse of both men and women is now so prevalent in our media today because of the #metoo movement; however, abuse has always been there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for its moment to strike.

I'm not saying all men are like this - in fact, I have had many a stranger defend me or others, and for those men we are ever so grateful, more than they'll know. but there are those few who feel entitled to our bodies, when we have done nothing at all to entice or engage them. these are the monsters that haunt our dreams. our own living, breathing nightmares.

I lived under the same roof as my monster. and don't get me wrong, he is one of many monsters I have been amongst, but I knew they were monsters - he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. why you may ask? because I lived with his girlfriend, and I was just the quiet girl he barely knew who rented a room and kept to herself. he even told me once in a rare encounter with one another that "you are so quiet, you'd never know if you were actually here or not". and I was that way for a reason - because I was cautious and wary, and I always felt a negative energy when he was around. so I kept my distance, kept myself away...you wouldn't recognize that Keely at all - hell, she was even a stranger to me. but I was young, and in foresight, so so naive.

did you know that there are 3 automatic stress responses in our bodies, contrary to popular belief? It's called the fight, flight or freeze response. when our body feels threatened or endangered, it automatically responds - some of us attack the threat, some run from it..but there are others who stop dead in their tracks, unable to move at all. that's one of the first questions people ask: "why didn't you run or scream, or even fight back?" THAT is why. their body has betrayed them, leaving them paralyzed in that moment. I was lucky enough that my body responded aggressively, producing a black eye and a bruised ego, nothing else. after he left my body did freeze, as I was now stuck in the bedroom - nothing but him between me and freedom. with no lock on my door, I tried to barricade myself in my room, but a drunk will push through anything, especially a determined one. saying calmly "no, get the fuck out of my room and leave me the fuck alone" apparently wasn't hint enough - no, he came in a third time completely naked, feeling obligated to have his way with me. thankfully my story doesn't end as most do - yelling scared my monster away - and I was able to escape once the alcohol finally knocked him out.

I hadn't done anything. he was my roommate's boyfriend, all I did was listen to him complain about his life once in a while and be nice in his general direction. but apparently that was enough for him to want me. he came into my room when I was sleeping. I hadn't done anything to provoke him.

I never flirted, never dressed 'provocatively' around the apartment. yet for the longest time I blamed myself. thought I must have done something, anything to give the wrong impression. sometimes when I wake up in a cold sweat, I still believe it was my fault somehow. this is what society has taught us - that the victim is to blame.

that is why the #metoo movement is so important now. it teaches us that victims are NOT to blame, that monsters are just that, and you happened to become their target, an unfortunate circumstance.

#metoo has taught me that I can speak without fear of being shamed.

#metoo has taught me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, my truth is just that.

#metoo has taught me that even if the police won't press charges, reporting will help me heal.

#metoo has taught me that it shouldn't matter who you are or what you wear, consent is needed in everything we do.

NO MEANS NO. SILENCE MEANS NO. ANYTHING OTHER THAN YES MEANS NO.

I could honestly go on forever about what this movement means to me, and how important this is to not just me, but women everywhere. I could talk about every time a man has tried to claim my body as his without my permission, how I wake up feeling unwanted, invisible hands on me. how that one experience makes me question every relationship I've had or will have. how I'll never be the same.

I'm not telling this story for you to pity me. to see me as a victim. I am telling this because I can, and because I am now a better person because of it. and to show you that you should never be afraid to be who you are. I am proud of who I am now. the strong, independent, stubborn ass woman I am is because of everything I've experienced in life - the good and the bad. I think the bad has shaped me more than the good. I know who I am now, and he can never take that away from me.

to me, the best revenge is moving on. being happy. being better.

and I plan on doing just that.

keely-shaye